i forgive you for me
POETRY
Dani Fielder
4/15/20262 min read
I once read that unforgiveness
is like drinking poison
because it hurts you more
than the person you're trying to forgive.
That's true, but
unforgiveness is also a parasite
looking for a person
in which to reside.
This parasite hides in the heart
where it can thrive by
eating itself out from inside.
Sometimes you don't even know
the little bug is in you until,
in your head,
you find yourself going back
to the moment it appeared.
So, this is long overdue.
I really tried to suppress these feelings,
but I can't any longer.
It's like a volcano about to erupt,
and my thoughts are corrupt
because all I can think about
is the pain
that this parasite has caused me.
Not forgiving keeps me where I am.
I'm stagnant because I can't move
with a tormented spirit.
This tormented spirit
has been carrying the weight
of pain and resentment and jealousy.
There's lingering feelings
of hatred, disgust, contempt, and fear.
What I've come to realize is that
the pain is what we have.
But hurt is what we are.
Like a backpack filled with bricks,
the pain is the burden we carry.
Pain can stem from a moment,
a person, a situation,
but hurt is what we become as a result.
Hurt is the mixture
of all the broken pieces of ourselves.
So what is forgiveness
to a hurting person like me?
It's like the antidote
to the poison
that's been eating my insides
Or relief to this pain
that's been giving me grief.
For a long time I was looking
for someone, something, anything
to give me a reason
to forgive
when I needed to look
in myself for the forgiveness.
It was never something
I was going to get
from someone else.
Whether I get an apology,
whether there's regret or sorrow,
forgiveness was always
something I needed to do for myself.
I was giving someone else
so much power.
I was a puppet
being controlled
without them even knowing
they have the power.
My emotions,
my happiness,
how I saw myself,
my future, was all
in someone else's hands
but this right here
does not belong to them,
it's for me.
Forgiveness is no one else's
but mine right now
because it's healing. It's a remedy.
Holding on to the unforgiveness
doesn't make sense anymore.
My not forgiving
will never hurt anyone
as much as it hurts me.
The pain will never
be as heavy on other hearts
as it is in mine.
So, this is long overdue.
Forgiveness is a choice
and all this time
I've been choosing unforgiveness.
I won't allow
my unforgiveness
to suck the life
from me any longer,
so I forgive you,
for me.